


reylo ever after

by ultraviolance



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Parody, Post TROS, Reylo - Freeform, completely accurate and true to star wars canon with no deviations from plot whatsoever, i looked up all my facts on wookiepedia, jk jk this is how i cope with the death of my son kyle, this is the trashiest thing i've ever written please proceed with caution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-02-24 21:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22064554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultraviolance/pseuds/ultraviolance
Summary: kylo looks desperatily at deceased sandakin helmet... "my immortal" he whispers
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. kylo lives on

**Author's Note:**

> im really just clownin with this one

kylo has just collapsed after their magical reylo kiss. but then he woke up because turns out he was fine the entire time. rey is holding kylo in his arms gracefully and they are both soaking wet. "hey rey," kylo rambles flirtatuously "you know I ben solo for long time until I met you" 

"awwww damn that's kinda sad" Rey says, crying. 

"now we can finally have sex". they say in unison. but first. they must save their friends. they save their friends and return to tattoo planet where the ending scene plays out, but with two sons instead of dead kyle. (this is because disney photoshopped him out and replaced him with bb8 for a more family friendly fun times!) 

"we cannot have sex here our elders are force ghosts looking at us in the distance i feel uncomfortable and cannot get my dick up" crylo says, crying ethusiascitly 

ok how about we go inside this space ship?" says rey

so they go inside the millinion challenger and finally they can have some peace and quiet. they strip their clothes off, gazing deepling into their eyes. no actually, kylo rips his old man sweater off sexiiy(the black one with the hole in it from when rey stabbed him) , expanding the hole to exposé his shirtless self (like the one from last jedi 2). he unbuckles his darth vader belt with darth vader helmet belt framed in the middle, and unsheathes his pants... revealing his raging boner of....2 inches. 

there is a terriblely long silence

"the fuck is that." rey says, with shock and surprise. 

"i was expetecting more from supreme leader kylo ren" grinned general hux force ghost, says laughingly while spying on them bc he is they spy. 

"nooo hux begone" says kylo, force ghosting him out of the falcon. 

"i cannot have sex with that dick" rey says, already putting her clothes back on. 

"but reylo-" kyle moaned, wishing to put his 1 inch dick in her. 

"how could this be---- i was blessed by the force, could not the force have gifed me with a longer, thicker, wider in every way penis?"

erectile extinction" rey exlaimed, throwing herhands up!

"there must be a force power that allows us to do dick extension."

"i know" rey said, an idea occuring to her. "we need to summon yoda". "he will know what to do"

"but yoga is extermely unresponsive. he only made a cameo in the previous movie and that was cause luke was in it. just summoning him won't make him come."

hmmm what will make him come then. 

"we could ask luke ghost for his contact info but tbh i don't wanna talk to him and especially not about dick extension" kylo says, frustratingly. "he will probably just laugh at me and try to cut my dick off menacingly with a lightsaber while hoverng over my bed like he did when i was 13." 

"lol what?" rey says

hmmm they both think and think and reach the same conclusion at the same time because they are force dyad. 

"baby yoda!" they exclam serenely 

Baby yoda was a cousin of yoda from 5 years before the original space trilogy. he may look like a baby, but hes actualy like 50 lol grossss. Baby yoda was known for constantly getting yoda in trouble with his party boy antics. he would embrass himself and ruin yoda's reputation, causing the old yoda to not want to be ascoiated with him. 

"wow so if he was 50 back then he must be.... " kylo counts his fingers, "Over 50 now. he's probably like, in yoda years, in his mid to late 20s. Annnnd he probably look exactly like old yoda because of the passage of time."

"your right! exactly so. if we find baby yoda and get a video of him pulling some shit, then we can use some vintage star wars filters to make it look like a video from old star wars!" 

"and then people will think it's OLD yoda doing the embarrassment, and force ghost yoda will come out of hiding to confront us about it all."

"OMG it's like foolproof" rey says, already texting her friends about it. 

"ok let's find baby yoda." 

So the happy boyfriend and girlfriend kylo ren excuse me i mean ben solo and rey "no longer" solo traveled across the galaxy to find baby yoda. they looked on pedro pascal's IMDB page and found out that he lived in LA. so they went to LA and knocked on a bunch of celebrities doors until they found the mandalorian. he was sitting happily in his lounge, reading a cosmopolitan article entitled "how to revitalize skin after prolonged face mask submersion." 

"what's up guys?" he said, in his oberyn martell pre-dead voice. 

"hi pedro we were just looking for baby yoda" rey said friendlily. 

"ah! u know you just missed him!" he said, with a happy sigh. "he was super hungover so he went out to buy some more drinks" 

"seems like you guys had quite the house party." kylo says, schemingly, eyeing the emply red han solo cups on the floor with disgust. "my father's image follows me everywhere I go, haunting me still" kylo whispered hauntingly

"It ok dude harassin ford wanted to die in da movie anyways so tbh u good boo' Rey interjected with praise 

"twas truly a wild time we'ere having another party tonight." oberyn nodded. 

"hmmmm you don't say?" kylo says, rubbing his hands together extraneoucly like he's planning a murder. 

"OMG so lit can we come?" rey asks, texting all her girlfriends about it. 

oberyn nods solubly, allowing them permission to come. 

they go to the party, rey is wearing a flashy glitttery dress with spahgetti stops, though high boots, a dazzle necklace that make her boobs look great (i'm so gay 4 her) and kylo is wearing a darth vader costume that he got from party city bc it's actually halloween that day. 

they are the hottest couple there obviously! they look in the corner and all of a sudden they see baby yoda crackin open a cold one with da boyzzz. he is wearing a baby ewok costume which is a huge racial affront to overie's nearby teddy bear collection.

"god oh my, made it, you guys!" he said wisely, turning towards reylo. 

"hi baby yoda! you look just like good ol original trilogy yoda" rey says adorably. 

"ah yes! cousin mine of, that guy i remeber!" yoda says, drunkenly throwing up a shot glass. he gave them both some alc and they did shots together and had a good time. 

kylo got too white girl wasted to even remember why they came there, but rey was on tope of things. she made sure to livestream drunk yoda to her instagra, which immediately got people talking because she is a galaxy influencer, of course. thousands of comments flooded in, raged that yoda was appropriating ewok couture. rey got a shot of mid 20s yoda doing backflips over the tables and levitating the decorative rocks that pedro pascal had just recently purchased from space ikea. 

"yoda what the fuck not the rocks!!!" pietro shouted

but it was too late. the rocks had already become insta famous.


	2. the second coming

"WHAT THE FUK ARE YALL MOTHERFUCKER DOING!" yoda says, but instead it came out as "DOING WHAT FUCK, MOTHERFUCKERS YALL ARE?" it was the real yoda. he had crashed the party in his force ghost form to interrupt baby yoda's shananigan.

"ayyyyy cousin of mine here, thou art." said baby yoda, chowing down his baby formulaic vodka.

yoda flipped him off and he went spriling downward through the roof, vanishing into space. the crowd gasped. instagram crashed. kyle had a boner.

"you have just murdered baby yoda, the heart and soul of disney plus?!" obi wan exclaimed, picking up his rocks. "think of all that merchandisenig.... "

'nah be fine, hell" yoda said turning angrily towards kylo and ren. "streaming on instagram plus, are thout not?" "funny this is, thinkest thou?"

kylo brust into tears and ran up to yoda in all his crylo rage. "PLS u need to help me fix my dick probelm" the party went silent, everyone looked at kyle's dick, trying to psychoanalyze the problem. but he has force power so he catapulted everyone out the moon door to get some alone time with baby yoda.

"ah yes, valid reason that must be." yoda said, squirting really hard. "only one solution, there is."

"pleaseee i need to know so i can have sex with my girlfrand reylo"

"hmmm ok tell you, i will. but only if, never embrass me again with ugly yoda, you promise. "

"but you're ugly yoda-"

"ok we both promise" rey interjecected.

yoda nodded solumnly. "make a dick more powerful? force fuse it with object, the only way it is. represent great mustery and emotion, the object it must. one exists, doth think thou?"

kylo starred at him uncomprhemsively.

but rey caught on knowinly "OMG ben he means u gotta fuse it with something with Big Dick Energy (B.E.E.) but also emo"

"curses!! it must be my darth red lightsaber" kylo screamed in furstration. "imbused with the blood of my enemies and the tears of my own balls i cry every single day"

"awww poor kwylo wen" rey said in tears

"but that must moan... we must return to the palace where you stabbed me in the sweater and ben solo was reborn from the asses of kylo ren."

"indeed" yoda nodded. "it is da only weh"

"thank u for showing us da weh" ren solo bowed.

so they went to that really wavy lake with the water where they had that hot angsty watery lightsaber sex i mean battle. memories flooded back into kylo's face as he remember rey stabbing him, one of their more memorable dates. "ok so the lightsaber is at the bottom of the ocean, and i had swim lessons til i was 14, so if i doggo pad my way under neath i can retract the light saber from da bottom of da ocean." he cannon balled into the water and swam away. but then he broke surface and realized... REY was already holding the lightsaber??!??!

"EXCUSE MEEE how did u get that?"

"i used the force bitch." and then she flew away into the sunset.

back on the ship, "ok time to fuse the power of ur lightsaber with the eensy meensy lil pee pee u have" rey laughed loudly.

"but what if it chops my already small dick off when i try to fuse it too hard???" kylo whined, his natural state of being.

"u just gottta do it bro" yoda said greenly.

so kylo ripped his pants off and it flew off dramartically like a black cape into the distance. his eraser sized penis flew out and then he contracted intensely, floating th elightsaber towards him slowly. slowly his penis turned into red hot flaming slightsaber as the two became one, and he indeed had a logner penis now like lightsaber length.

"but now it's too beeg!!" rey snapped at him.

suddenly, kylo's lightsaber dick started pulsing and moving erraticalitily in all direcctions like a harry potter waving his magic wind at voldemort. it was doing some expectro patronym shit.

"i don know what's happening" kyrlo crylo. "my dick ain't go moves like that."

the dick jerked him forward like an arm pulling on his dick and suddenly he was against the wall, sausage forward,

rey gasepd. the lightsaber dick started carving a massage into the wall.

 _"it is I-, your grandfather anakin."_ we all screamed as the dick wrote it.

_"i have been trapped inside kylo's ren's dick for almost a decade. finally i have my chance to speak"_

crylo's eyes turned into sparkling as he looked fondly at his dick, cluthng it tenderly in his hands like a my chemical romance vinal edition. "grandfather.... could it really be you?"

_"yes, it is I. you are in big toruble my child. i have witnessed you're every action through the lens of your penis, felt your every stroke in these trying times."_

"whaaa-??" kylo excaled

_"it all began when you were 13. you were mastrubating very insensibly at a poster of gerard way, my spirit was near.... suddenly as i approached , your dick pulsaged so hard that i was sucked in.... and i have ben stuck here in this rusty shaft every since."_

"oh my god... grandfather i so sorry" crylo cried

"grandaddy," rey whispered reverentily

"all those times i spoke to ur dead ass helmet... you were in here all along" kylo spoke in wonder

"yes, what fuck was up with that, ben you weird af child" anakin ragged. "i compeleltely disapprove"

"omg so that's why hayden christensen never got his cameo...." rey said. "he was struck in here the ENTIRE time. the great mystery of our time... finally solved"

"precisely. now can yall motherfuckers get me outta here? it smells like burnt sausage in here."

"WAIT wait" rey interrupted casually. "but if i have sex with you now... i'll be having sex with BOTH you and darth vader." (AN: this is totally not the author's self-insert fantasy This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)

"Lol hot." said kylo. "i'ave always wanted to have a threesome with my grandad."

"......."

anakin rolled his eyes from within the penis."umm listen.. so the last time i entered a vagina some real strange shit happened like i had twins one of them was hot idk i turned evil. 10/10 would not try again" anakin protested

reylo collectively sighed. "ok fine so how do we get him out yoda?"

yoda was crackling up like a wheezing alien. "y'all i ain't never seen this shit b4" he clearfed his throat. "ejaculate anakin out, kylo doth need to do."

"but yoga i do that every day"

"but something to draw anakin out, there needs to be."

"like something anakin related? ok how bout his helmet"

"aha" yoda sighed.

so they collected the remains of the darthy helmet from kylo's room reasssembled it with some super glue.

"ok so i'm just going to ejaculate near it and hopefully your spirit cums out."

kylo stroked the length of his now 2 feet long dick, handling it with the touch of an expert lightsaber wielder.

"hmmmm maybe move it closer to the helmet? like in his mouth maybe?" rey said, masturbaintg to the scene in front of her.

"uhhh this seems weirdly familiar.." said kylo.

"what?"

"what?" kylo flushed. "umm nothing. this is a new experience to me never done it before."

and then his dick sprayed, giving the ole metal a nice well-needed oiling.

"weird nothing happened..."

"omg i can't believe it didn't work what are we gonna do now...???" cried rey.

"that's because there's not a close enough connection with the helmet you immature dunces." said anakin. "my helmet was only a medical necessity not an aesthetic choice kylo you never even understood me"

kylo cried in all his emo kylo ren glory. "but you're the only one who understands _meee_ , grandpa"

_flashback to kylo when he was 13. he's in his room listening to welcome to the black parade with black liquid eyeliner tears streaming down his face. he's wearing a black choker you know the kind with metal spikes and a black band t-shirt with gerard way's face on it, ripped black jeans (so hot i know) and back leather combat boots. he has black gauges in his ears with the imperial crest craved into them, thick black eyeliner, and his long black hair is shoved on one side for a more risqué look. "my immortal," he whipsers longingly at his darth vader action figure. he seems to feel the presence of his grandfather, the only family figure that will ever understand him truly. "one day i'll be just like you grandpa. you'll be proud of me"_

rip kyle. 


End file.
